I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
