Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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