Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The Olympian is in my bed
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize