my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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