I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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