My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
