We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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