it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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