Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
