Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
