I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
