dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
