I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
