I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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