shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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