You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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