He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What changed your mind?
Being sober
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
