The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize