I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
