i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
