I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
