I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
