Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
