This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
