Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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