i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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