Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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