you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize