I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize