I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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