sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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