somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
