I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Are my feet made of real feet?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
