the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
