I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
