fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
