I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
