Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
