I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
