bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
