Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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