break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
