Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I love having hate sex.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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