I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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