So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
