So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
