how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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