I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
id be glad to
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
