rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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