I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
