I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
