I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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