I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
