so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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