you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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